Not Yet

by The Bad Kitty
(8 lives away from gone!)

I woke up and couldn't breathe.

In my dream everything was Warm and peaceful.

Death was trying to cut a deal with me.

His was the voice of compassion, peaceful honesty, and warning.

I was as if a very small child, enjoying the sort of security reserved only for the innocent, those who have not yet been tainted by fear or guilt or pain.

Surely he was an angelic entity.

His voice was sweeter, by far, than anything else I have ever heard.

There was an underlying tone of knowledge that he dare not divulge, and a warmth that came scentlessly from his great warm breath.

His warm pleasant voice spoke with words of wisdom and logic, as if he has spoken forever, and had eternity to converse patiently with me.

His message was delivered in a few simple sentences, wrapped in velvet and kindness.

"Stay here for a while if you can" he breathed, as if he knew what a balancing act I was performing.

I struggled to stay on a frequency or a balance beam of a location. Floating gently in the truth in his words and the agelessly authentic sincerity in his voice, and a great soothing warm blackness.

"Come with me" he almost pleaded.

His voice was that of a shy young man cautiously speaking to a lady without overstepping his boundaries.

"Where do you want me to go?"

I replied, in a simple and un-condescending voice, softened by the surprising fragility of his voice.

"Don't you want to stay here with me?" He asked softly.

And I did! I did want to stay there, warm and blissfully content in the blackness, embraced by an angelic voice.

I felt my heart beat slow in the background as I admittedly though to myself about the proposal.

"This place knows no pain, no cold, no loneliness..." he said. Enticing me closer and supporting me in his gentle arms. The darkness was complete, movement was felt or heard but nothing could be seen.

I became aware that my chest was getting heavy and my breathing had become mechanical and shallow.

"Let's not linger here so long" he begged, "fall into my arms"

I knew he would hold onto me forever. He knew the thought as though I had spoken it aloud.

"Yes, yes, please come with me" he said, betraying the fact that he shared my thoughts and my comfort and the distant sensation of breathing too shallowly for long enough.

"I am being given the opportunity to die peacefully!" I thought to myself, realizing that my heart beat was slow and faint and my breath was short and so far away!

I was also aware of being cradled in his arms, no longer concentrating on staying balanced in the black.

He was fear stricken, desperate, aware that I was contemplating his offer.

I now felt his loneliness, his need to hold onto me, and a fear of something heavy and imposing in his heart.

I realized that death had sent him to me, to console him and possibly join him, to alleviate his crushing need for love.

He knew what I thought as I thought it... word for word in time!

"Please... he said in a sad guilty voice.

"I chose you for a reason!" he thought silently to me.

We both knew that my decision to stay or go balanced on the reason he had chosen me, and we both knew that he had already said too much. It was as if death was his master and there were going to be repercussions for the information he had divulged!

He covered me with his own body, as if expecting a heavy blow upon his back.

"Quickly!" He said, desperate to protect me.

"You must decide now if you want to stay here with me or go. Because no one here can make you stay... before it's too late!" He pushed me out of the warmth, the darkness, and the peace. My decision had flash through the darkness like a smashing blow! He pushed me out as I sprung from his arms!

It was simultaneous, sudden, and unforgettable!
I heard him call from the darkness as though he was being beaten... "Open your eyes... open your eyes! Don't look back, you! Open your eyes!
I was struggling, straining to get back into my carcass, reaching as quickly as I could, but on the way he cried out a warning.

"I wanted to save you from the pain and the suffering!"

"Next time we touch, pain will have you in its vice...Open up your eyes, Love!"

As I listen to his advice I felt my heart pound in my chest!

I inhaled air, gulping it into my lungs like a pitcher of cold water in stifling thick heat!
I felt my chest heave fourth and my lips part as I coughed!

I opened my eyes... I opened my eyes! I was immediately inundated with all of the confusion and noise and harsh reality of my life, of life itself!

I sat up immediately and suddenly felt alone... alone like no thing should ever feel, deep, oppressive, overwhelming and sad.

I woke the one with whom I was sleeping, desperately seeking solace, just a small spark of comfort and companionship.

I was afraid to be alone. I felt afraid of what was going to happen to me!

It was no curse that my soul-mate had called out to me.

It was a warning about what I was going to feel the next time I fell into his comforting and waiting arms!

His loving arms, which waited alone in the blackness, suffering!

The selfless arms that protected me in that blackness and propelled me back into the light, instead of protecting himself from the pain!
He chose to suffer alone instead of trying to hold me back or convince me to stay.

He sent me bounding back into life, before time had made my decision for me. Before my heart itself stopped quietly.